This is Me: An in-depth look at my previous relationships.

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Crush of the Week: Darren Criss

For most of America I am sure you know this amazing ray of sexyness from Glee, but for the other 3.8% of dumbfuck America who have not been keeping tabs on the awesomeness that is Glee...let me introduce you to Mr. Darren Criss. Criss made his debut this past Tuesday as a new "love" interest for Kurt on Glee, and while we are not to sure if he will be around for a few episodes, we are glad he has made footprint in our minds. He is my crush of the week because lets face it the guy can sing, and not just on Glee, but in all his music, which you can find on iTunes and myspace. The boy is amazingly sexy but over all his lips and voice are what make him...well FN GEE-OR-GEOUS! Take a listen to his version of Katy Perry's annoyingly addicting "Teenage Dream" His version is much much better!

Here is the link to his my______ for the 16 people left who still use the site. www.myspace.com/darrencriss

Paranormal Activity 2 Review! *Minor Spoilers*

First of all, I would like to thank Eventful.com and Paramount for offering a free screening in Houston. I would have seen the movie either way, but I feel like Paramount is one of the few big time movie making companies that took the time to listen to the fans and used the whole "DEMAND IT" marketing from the first one and implement it again. Well done. Now that that is out of the way let's review the film shall we?

Paranormal Activity 2 is by far one of the scariest films ever made. I would proclaim it (standing next to the first film obviously) the best horror film made this decade. Now while I have been to plenty of horror films, I have never been to a movie that scared me as much as this one did. (as well as the first)

Paranormal Activity 2 does in deed take place before the events of the first film and ends the day after the first film. I thought that was a clever way to tie the two films together. Making Paranormal Activity a small part of a story, and Paranormal Activity 2 an overall explanation of the WHOLE story. Think of it as a prequel/sequel if you will, even if technically the sequel part is only about the last ten minutes of the movie. The film takes place a couple of months before the first film, introducing Kristi (the sister of Katie from the first film) and her husband, her step-daughter, Abbey the dog and Hunter, the couples new born baby boy. The films starts of slow, but in a good way. We want to know who these people are, and we want to connect with them. (I'll admit, I went into the movie kinda figuring what was gonna happen, but with an open mind.) The film uses the same elements from the first one, but uses them more to their advantage. After introductions, which are filmed with a camcorder by the sixteen year old step-daughter as a kind of "Welcome to the world Hunter" home movie, and quickly turn into "Let me get this crazy shit happening on film" home movie, Katie (PA1) comes over to visit and shortly after she leaves Kristi's house had been vandalized. Every room in the house damaged and ransacked, every room that is but baby Hunter's who is now about a year old. Also note, that nothing is stolen from that house except a bracelet that was given to Kristi from her sister Katie.

As a security precaution the husband, trying to be the alpha-male that he is, installs six security cameras throughout the house. The front walk=way, the pool, the living room, the kitchen, The front entry way the shows the front door and stairway, and the Hunter's room. The footage from these cameras mixed with the footage from the handheld HD camera are what make up the film. While there are a few questions to be answered (they are not difficult ones to answer for yourself) the film does it purpose and scares the hell out of the viewer using the fact that you can't see the demon. Doors move by themselves, shadows move over people, and in two scenes people either float or are dragged by unseen forces. I was very impressed with this film and if you like getting the crapped scared out of yourself, make it a point to go. The film has SEVERAL jump scenes and like I said before totally makes use of the everything the first one did and heightened it in every way, and the ending wasn't half bad at all! Make sure you don't go and see it alone. And just like the first one, when you hear heavy base and footsteps you know shit is about to go down! You have been warned. :)

Visit www.Paranormalmovie.com to check out the trailer!

**** out of ****

HOMOSEXUAL HYPOCRISY

Yes, before I start this is my angry blog. BTW I removed my last posting after several of my readers brought the content to my attention. Let it be known that my blog, for the most part, is for comedic and entertainment purposes. Most of the time I take not only my personal experiences, but other people's personal experiences and mold them together to create a TRUE, but entertaining story or event. It doesn't always express how I feel personally as a gay man. Although if I blog 90% of the way I feel is reflected or from this point forward it will be. And now for the:

IM SO ANGRY I COULD PUNCH YOUR PUPPY IN THE FACE AND ACT LIKE A BIGGER DICK AND GET AWAY WITH IT BLOG: (Did ya like that? Yeah I thought you would...maybe not.)

I was reading this story (which is old news) about a high school for gay people. This article got me thinking about gay men and how most of them still ACT as though they are in high school. Then on top of that thought...I pondered about the GAY HIGH SCHOOL story some more. Most of the gay guys I am encountering whether they be Eighteen or thirty-five, belong in high school. I say this because most of them still have not developed the social skills needed to be a functioning member or american society. You need more words in your vocabulary then just the following:

*penis
*cock
*dick
*butt
*rim
*top
*bottom
*cherry-vodka sour
*britney
*grindr
*girl

These are just a few examples. While yes, these words are apart of my vocabulary, my words, and thoughts extend beyond just these. I wish gay men would actually give themselves a little more credit and actually try a little. Maybe? Get to know someone and by "get to know" I don't mean see how far his dick can go down your throat. What happened to good old conversation about politics, or fashion, or someone's favorite book or t.v show? Why does it always center around nudity, sex, or rim jobs? We complain as a community about being segregated, shut out my society, yet you have gay guys in the community doing the very same thing! Cliques and bitchy queens who say one thing, and yet mean another. No wonder most of us have a bad rap, and are portrayed in the media as pink wearin' two-sided, bed hoppin' fags...its because 80% of us all act that way...10% of us try to hide it and do it when no one is around, and the last 10% are the few and the proud who love being gay but can't stand the men who tend to represent the other 90%. It is a shame that some of us gay men are the way we are, but this is why my angry blog warning was needed. My question is and always will stand until I am shown otherwise and please comment.

"WHY IS IT THAT HOMOSEXUALS WANT THE OTHER TEAM TO BE OPEN MINDED AND UNDERSTAND OUR NEEDS, BUT REFUSE TO DO THE SAME THING ON OURS?"

A song that makes you think of a lost love?

I usually try to stay away from posting lyrics and such on this blog, BUT I over heard this song and quickly googled the lyrics. The words matched everything I had been feeling about my ex Ryan. I miss his everyday. I am not sure if he even cares but if he did...I dedicate this song to him. To you Ryan.

Why'd I have to go and be a fool again

Why'd I have to go and make a big thing out of nothing
I didn't know what I had 'til you were gone
It was right in front of me all along
And now those days of "same old story"
Are feeling more like faded glory


Had it all, I threw it all aside

Thinkin' there was more out there I needed to find
I had it all baby
'Til you went away
Blue skies, sunshine, and butterflies
Those were the conditions that I left behind
Why did I let it go to waste
I had it all

Where are all the fireworks I thought I'd see
I still haven't found the magic I was lookin' for that made me leave, no no
I traded in my comfort zone
For empty nights of bein' alone

I had it all, I threw it all aside
Thinkin' there was more out there I needed to find
I had it all baby
'Til you went away
Blue skies, sunshine, and butterflies
Those were the conditions that I left behind
Why did I let it go to waste
I had it all


Why did I believe that little voice that led me down the path to this bad choice

Why don't I listen to the angels when they sing
I had it all, I threw it all aside
Thinkin' there was more out there I needed to find
I had it all baby
'Til you went away
Blue skies, sunshine, and butterflies
Those were the conditions that I left behind
Why did I let it go to waste
I had it all

Gay is the thing you know.

Come on people, it is 2010. If you yourself are not gay, then you are sure to know someone who is gay. Gay people are everywhere. Weather or not you want admit it we are there helping you when you don't need it or turning our backs when you do. That is why I started this blog. Not to only showcase the life of one of many gay men, but a unique one. Yeah yeah so many gay men out there will tell you that they are unique in their own way and yes everyone has something they can each bring to the table, but at the end of the day you have to think to yourself, "Was I myself today?" If you can't answer the question honestly then you my friend are not unique.

In a community shunned so frequently by society it is only natural for all of us to be be like fourteen year old rebellious teenagers and stick it to the man. But as we say in the south..."Do it as a southern belle would!" With grace and class, and not KLASS, but class and style. It is easy to fall into what society and the people around you want you to be, but at the end of the day be true to you. Something I wish our community would embraces besides love is tolerance within our own kind. I find so many gay men hating and disrespecting each other and I think "Really?" I pause and take a breath and wonder why. We are acting like the same people who judge us and we are better than that. With that said...be classy...have fun....be safe and above all be you. Be good or be good at it.

Love,
XHunterboyX

We met at Starbucks

I feel in a way that this could have been Ryan and myself. I'm just saying. Funny stuff!

A wish.

I want a guy who brushes the side of my face then gives me a kiss, holds my hand wherever we are to make everyone jealous Someone who would sing to me at random moments. Someone who would let me sleep on their chest. A boy who would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me. I want someone to call me 3 times a day if he went away. Someone who would let me gossip if I wanted and would just smile, agree and giggle with the news. He would throw pillows and stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then kiss.me.a.million.times. Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh. He would take me out anywhere, put his hands on my hips and give me big bear hugs all the time. He would tell his friends about me and smile as he did it. :) We would make out in the pouring rain, he’d never be afraid to say ‘I Love You’ in front of his friends and family. We’d argue about silly things then make up. I want a boy who would kiss me at midnight on New Years then count stars with me. Someone who would stay home with me on a Friday night to make dinner & watch movies while cuddling under the same blanket. A person to tell me I’m handsome, but not too often. Who would make me laugh like no one else could. But mostly I want someone to be my bestfriend and would never break my heart.

Just to clear the air.

Everyday waking up is like a struggle. Thoughts of lose, defeat, hurt, and much more cross my mind. Over time you just stop trying. Trying to reach the goals you are so demanded to achieve. With my mind going 100000 miles a minute, I find myself constantly being backed into a corner. Where did I go wrong? What wrong turn did I take? I find myself wanting to go back to a life were guys could not find their way in. I feel guilty for allowing love to find its way in.

I found Ryan. A man different then any other man I had met. Kind, strong, caring, and more than anything beautiful. It was not lust. He was different. A man who made me feel it was safe enough to let the wall down. I recently was emailed several bits of information that to this very second I don't know how to process. People can be cruel, mean, and heartless, but most are that way because they themselves are lost or blinded by what others want them to see. These emails have been the most cruel thing I have witnessed to this day. As I tried my hardest to ignore them and pass them off as gossip, I couldn't help but feel heartbroken once again. The content of the emails perplexed me and put me slowly into a state of shock.

On a side note...I did not fake my death. While at one point the thought continued to cross my mind, and yes a did post on twitter that I was leaving....I ended up finding a place to clear my mind and leave things in the past. After all the things I had done for Ryan after all the changes I made to show a man I loved him and I was sorry...I was shot down...so I felt defeated and yes I did want to kill myself and came almost close to accomplishing the task, but was simply to afraid of executing myself. I never, I repeated, never did it for attention, or for the sake of seeing who would listen.

As I came back to my life after trying to clear my mind, I found my life completely damaged. My reputation damaged. I called close friends, and my family came to my aid to assist me in fighting this epic battle I was so quickly losing.

After going to therapy, and getting the help my mind so clearly needed, I began to think about what had happened. No one would talk to me, and the few that do understand me and have known me for seven, eight, nine years. They know the real me and have taken my side to help me. But something continues to make the battle for me far more complicated then it should.

I continued to read the emails, and read them over and over again. Ryan had cheated on me? The emails had claimed that Ryan was not as faithful as he claimed to be, and went so far as even being specific during a time period that all of these indiscretions occurred. While I was guilty of cheating myself I had come clean with the fact that it had only happened once, and the other time I was lied to into thinking I was single. I take full responsibility for my actions, but what continues to puzzle me is the truth about Ryan's indiscretions. Ryan and I never used protection, so I started to fear that if Ryan didn't use protection with me and he was cheating on me then there was a chance he was not using protection with these other men either. These claims say Ryan: Cheated on me during spring break, and several times during our relationship while he and I were living together. It also states I was dumped for being worthless, and the reason I was always on the receiving end of our sex and love making was because Ryan thought I had STD's. I kept thinking he would change his mind, but he was receiving sex from other guys that were not me.

I quote the email as saying.

"You were dumped for being worthless... maybe you should have killed yourself instead off playing games. and for the record, he only bottomed for me, he promised nobody else could be inside him except me. guess you weren't as special as you thought you were... and he thinks you have diseases any way. why go for trailer park when you can experience highland park."

And an additional email.


"Hunter, I never loved you and cheated on you just about everyday day during our relationship. I never wanted to bottom for you because you yourself were a horrible bottom. I never wanted to use protection. I bottomed for several other men during our time together because I thought you were infested with hiv. Even after I finally got you our of my apartment I have had so much sex after you leaving and my life has been so much better without you in it. Some got it right the first time Hunter, you're fu*kable ( not very good at it at all) but not datable. -R- "

I don't use this as a way of slandering or libeling anyone's name. I simply ask for the truth in a situation as serious as this. I am NOT crazy, nor am I a liar. I believe my mistake was not only hurting Ryan, but also changing myself for a man who never loved me to begin with? Not a man, but a boy. A boy who hides behind people so that they may speak for him because he obviously can not do it himself. Ryan's ex Erik was correct I am sure about Ryan we he said that Ryan is immature and can never think for himself, and does everything that other people tell him to do rather than what is the right thing to do. Erik told me that while Ryan didn't cheat on him, he was secretive and often responded to craigslist ads...and after everything was said and done Erik could not trust Ryan. I still to this very minute am so very clueless as to the truth.
I sent Ryan love letters, flowers, and apology after apology. I knew or thought in my mind and heart Ryan was the one for me, and was willing to fight for to try to make him see while I made a mistake...he was worth my love and I had hoped I was worth his.

I feel like a fool. Like an idiot for falling in love with a man who lied to me every time he said he loved me. Who was going behind my back and fucking other men while I sat in his apartment making dinner or waiting for him to come home. Yes, I cheated but like I said I was a man for telling Ryan the truth and not lying to him and asking for forgiveness and another chance to make him happy. While I may never know the truth because Ryan will not speak to me and refuses to do so...I still do love him and even if this is true or not...I forgive him with all of my heart. People can say what they want about me, but at the end of the day I care what Ryan thinks. I grew and am still growing from all of this...but once again...I DIDN'T FAKE MY DEATH. I came close to killing myself and unless you have truly been that low and to that point..you will never know how alone someone is. I wanted to die because everyone around me kept telling me to do so and I wanted to die because I changed for a man who after doing all I tried to do to earn another chance...turned his back...and tried to make himself look like the victim...When in all reality...He cheated on me and lied to me...way before I did it to him. So why am I the one crying all over again? Why was I made to feel the guiltiest I have ever felt about my mistakes when Ryan's mistakes were just as hurtful and he couldn't be a man and admit his dishonesty to me?