Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A little bit of an update.

Wow....where the hell have the months gone. I know I have people out there who are interested in knowing what is going on so I will keep you peepoils posted, while keeping it short and sweet.

#1: I got engaged! Jake is my fiance and he is simply the most beautiful, headstrong and funniest man I have ever met. I am beyond happy to have him in my life...he has changed my life in every single way for the better. (follow him on twitter @jewdude1) (yes he is a jew)

#2: I got promoted at work. So yea! Work is work...moving on.

#3: Jake and I got a new car. 2011 Honda. Her name is Pow Pow.

And there you have it...pretty much everything I have been up to...because of work I hardly ever really get to blog like I use to...and I have been also looking for new topics. I really love that the people who do read my blog do. It means a lot to me considering not much happens in my life..(see above) But love is love and I love you guys. Keep reading.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This is Me: An in-depth look at my previous relationships.

Today was a slightly awkward day. Not in-terms of my work day, but my relationship. My relationship with Jake is been going great. What started out as a friendship, has somehow developed into more then I was expecting or prepared for. I feel awkward at times with Jake because while I am open to experiencing life and everything it has to offer...that same outlook is sometimes lagging behind in my relationship.
While I am only 24, which most would consider still young with LOTS to learn (which is true), I have been in enough relationships (good and bad) to slightly understand what I feel comfortable with and what I don't. I felt like today was different. I felt a rush of emotion. A rush of emotion that unfortunately included thoughts about almost everything single meaningful relationship to me. The emotion was so sharp it could have cut glass...and I felt myself falling deeper into a funk I was scared of not being able to get myself out of. I could sense Jake knew something was wrong, but I was not comfortable with letting my ex boyfriends become his problem. I certainly didn't want my exes to be the reason why I was doubting my current relationship.
I inched at the thoughts and became increasingly perturbed and I was getting my at myself for being mad in general. I wanted so bad to explain to Jake why I am the way I am, and how I have become the man I am right now. He certainly deserved to know why I held a huge chip on my shoulder and being in a relationship is about honesty and open communication, but I was still afraid of him not being able to understand it. So hear and in this blog (while it might not be the most formal way) I figured I would lay it all out. Remembering each relationship I have been in, explain what happened and possibly what went wrong...on eitherside. Weather it was my fault or not. But also do realize that this is from my point of view and does NOT reflect the other person's opinion what so ever.

Patrick:
I would have to say that meeting Patrick was unexpected and I was only 15 at the time. I met him on Planetout.com and what was suppose to be something fun turned into a four year long episode of The Real World: Houston,Navasota,College Station. Patrick was just as young when we met. At 21 I thought he was THE ONE...but then again remember I was 15....so yeah insert Taylor Swift song reference here. I believed everything everyone told me and was stupid, and Patrick used this to his advantage. I cheated and after I made this mistake at 15 it should have stopped....but it never did and we both dragged it out for 4 whole years. I even moved to College Station at 17 to be with him instead of moving with my parents to Alabama and still at 17....I should have never thought that I was ready for anything serious. But like all young people I thought I knew everything and Patrick ultimately started cheating, using drugs and escorting on the side while still trying to keep tabs on me. It ended around 2004 with Patrick going his way and me going mine and learning to move on. Patrick and I still communicated from time to time and up until recently Texted back and forth. But even now with Patrick being just about 30 years old...he still hasn't done any growing up and is not always honest with the people around him. But I do wish him the best.

Nathan:
At 19 I was getting over the drama of Patrick and finding a life for myself and learning that after being in a fucked up relationship for 4 years that being single was not that bad. Then I met a guy named Nathan. I met him 2 days before leaving on a two week trip to Paris and was certain that this guy was not going to wait around for me. I was wrong. We chatted almost everyday I was in Paris and sure enough when I got back...there he was. Just as excited to see me. Nathan was the best of the best. Different that any other man I have ever met he was by far the most patient of my boyfriends and certainly the most dedicated. Wether he saw what I saw...I learned so much from him but was to scared to admit it at the time. I was 19 and still stubborn with thinking it was my way or the highway. I did indeed cheat on Nathan and took advantage of the fact that Nathan loved me more than I thought. I always thought Nathan would be there for me and even when I was an asshole and lied...he still was but then there became a line, and I had crossed it way to many times. Even after we moved in together and Nathan proposed...I still thought there would be something better and I was wrong and always wishing I had done something differently. Nathan was always bending over backwards to make me happy, and I was always to selfish and stubborn to provide or adhere to his needs which ultimately came to bite me in the ass. Even when Nathan and I took a break things happened or Nathan's end and mine and Karma basically kicked my ass. Nathan had a threeway with two other older men and it hurt,but since it was a break, there was nothing I could do or say. Our relationship ended I feel when I had crossed my last line and Nathan had hit a breaking point. When physical violence rears its ugly head into the relationship...its time to step back and rethink things and while again I was to stubborn to admit my wrong doing...Nathan had already moved on and was done with me. He had met someone else. Someone who wasn't even in the same bracket as me. About a year or so after we broke up I found a video on my computer in which he recorded that said some pretty heavy but amazingly nice stuff. It was a short video...Wether he remembers it or not...is beyond me. I will always regret the way I treated Nathan and the way I ended things with him. Out of everyone I have dated I find Nathan to be the most inspiring.

Russell:

I should have known better with Russell. He was only 18, and to my knowledge he was a virgin. We had out first date at a Starbucks and I could not get over how cute and just how beautiful this dude really was. I never found myself as attractive as him and kept telling myself that this relationship was going to be short lived....but Russell kept assuring me it would not. I should have known that someone younger then me didn't have all the answers as I was 21 almost 22 and certainly didn't know a damn thing about how to go about THIS relationship, plus I was still lonely over the break up with Nathan...I felt looking back I was just lonely and I wanted a handsome man to just give a chance. With Russell I went WAY to fast and rushed so much of what I should have just let take its course. I am a control freak and I am pretty sure that freaked Russell out. Russell being 18 and about to start college should have been my red flag that he was not going to "settle down" with me. Even after taking his virginity...I still wasn't connected to him the way my hearted wanted to be...and in the long run I let it drive me crazy. I let love take over and not logic, and because my love for Russell was way to big for him or myself and he didn't love me the way I thought I loved him...he ran, and with good reason. I acted out and became the nightmare I was always afraid I would become. I became so hurt with the way he just threw away my feelings and became so careless and didn't even have the respect to break up with me in person (he did it over the phone on a bus) that I lashed out in all the wrong ways. I outed him to his parents who didn't need to know, and it was also never my right to do what I did. I lashed out in other ways that looking back I wonder who I was and what had gotten into me that I allowed such damage to happen when I simply should have just walked away.

Zach:

Zach was the first guy I had ever met that gave me HIS number. I had just be uprooted to Huntsville after a House fire ruined Greg and I House ( People still to this day think I started the fire, I would like to point out to anyone who reads this...that is NOT true) we had to move. At this point I had become so depressed with the direction that my life was going, and I didn't know which way I needed to turn. I became so reliant on Greg and he was busting his ass to provide for me and himself and I was taking advantage when I should have been helping and pulling my own weight. I met Zach and at that point was thinking a guy in my life would solve it all. I was living so many lies that I didn't know what was real and what was not. My life was spinning out of control and I thought Zach was the answer to putting it be back in a balance. I should have been more mature and NEVER expected Zach to be responsible for something so heavy. I should have viewed my relationship with Zach as a simple fling...but I never did. I wanted so badly to be loved that I let myself fall in love again thinking it would be a quick fix and it would get rid of the pain of losing Nathan, AND Russell. I was faithful to Zach (And Russell) but he was not faithful to me and Zach had no concern or respect for my feelings. Zach was a virgin also (He claimed) but history repeated its self and I was expected him to like me more because he lost his virginity to me (I expected the same with Russell) but that never happened and I once again created another lie in my mind and became so filled with anger and rage that it got way out of control and I hurt more people then ever. I never expected to be forgiven by any one in Huntsville, but I do feel a huge amount of remorse for the drama and pain I caused myself and everyone during this time.

Adrian:
Adrian was a mistake from the very beginning. I met Adrian on DLIST.COM and at the time he was a student in Dallas, and I was working for Darque Tan in Houston. I was living with my parents but saving up for my own apartment and getting my life back in order after the mess my life had become while being in Huntsville and previous mistakes. Adrian was sly. Adrian was different. Adrian was, well Adrian. It had been almost a year since I had been with anyone and I felt it was time for me to open myself to a relationship. I stupidly became blinded by so many redflags.

1.He lived in Dallas
2.He was younger (seeing as I had already been screwed over by two previous younger guys, this should have been the biggest flag of them all)

There were many more but I overlooked so many of them. By the time I Adrian and I started talking more...I had switched jobs and was working for a bank. I made enough that I could afford my own place and at this point I had everything I needed. A car, A job and my very own NICE apartment. Why did I allow someone younger then me to come in a take it all way from me? Because I am stupid thats why! When things got serious (I really don't know looking back if they ever did) I was driving back and forth to Dallas almost on a weekly basis and Adrian and I started talking about me moving to Dallas. I allowed Adrian to call the shots and let him dictate every little thing that happened in my life....all of this happening while I lived in Houston and he lived in Dallas. I gave him money and went without so he would be happy and with Adrian I was determined to not make the mistakes I had made with Nathan. I wanted to be a good boyfriend and be faithful and do the right things. I wanted this to be real. Adrian could have careless about anything when it came to our relationship. He used me, and did what he wanted when I was not around. I still to this day have never been able to confirm or deny his infidelity but everyone I spoke to was 100% sure that Adrian was a liar, and never spoke highly of me when I was not around. He also left me with something I can never give back to him. I even went so far as to try and explain to his parents that their son was taking advantage of everyone he came in contact with. NO ONE believed anything I had to say. I once again was not able to do anything and had to deal with the fact that After Russell, Zach, and now Adrian I was a sucker for being attracted to bad guys. None of them caring at all about my-side of a situation and walking away unfazed while I was was left for dead. I lashed out once again and this time paid the ultimate price for something I didn't even do. I had every right to be angry. I had uprooted my life entire from Houston to Dallas to start my life over and be with a man who couldn't even give two shits about me. I broke a lease and changed jobs and put myself in $4500 worth of debt all for a boy! A FUCKIN BOY! Adrian walked away from the catastrophic event known as our relationship without a scratch or broken heart...and I was left without one at all...I had nothing left. I will never forgive Adrian was the state in which he has left me in. While I am still in recovery from the damage he has left behind....I don't wish him well. Still to this day I was never given any explanation for why he did what he did to me, and I know I will never get one. He never said he was sorry for anything he did and he never will. Again like I said at the beginning. Biggest mistake of my life. STUPIDEST THING I EVER DID Everything he ever said or did was a lie. Anyways...moving on.

Tony:

I have a mad about of respect for Tony. He was an amazing boyfriend and helped me out and held me when no one else would. If I cried (which I did I lot) he was there and for that I will always be grateful. He dealt with a lot and I was by no means the best to him in any way. I broke his heart and have never really been able to forgive myself for what I did to him. Not only did he spend a great deal of time dealing with my immature behavior he also spent a lot of money. But in the end I had once again crossed a line....I was never really over the whole Adrian thing when I met Tony and in the end I think Adrian and all the damage he had caused was the straw that broke the camels back.

Ryan:

Ryan at this point, I think was the closest thing to true love (Nathan and him are about even in the area) I have ever known. My life once again failing in every way possible...I looked to Ryan for a since of comfort...and I fell way hard for a man and I loved him so much...I fucked up once again with not thinking right and being stubborn and just fuckin up once again. (I would explain more but this is still very fresh and still a little hard for me to talk about)


All in all these men (excluding one BOY) have all made huge and important impacts in my life. All have taught my valuable lessons in my life that I would never have learned from anyone else. All are different from one another and each hold a special place in my heart. I ask all for forgiveness and acceptance. With that said...I have become more and more knowledgeable of men and what they are can do. Wether it be good or bad...I simply am terrified that I have become a cynical prick....incapable of seeing or even being open to falling in love again. This is NO pitty party. But I feel that after everything I have learned I am blocking myself from something I want but am to scared to embrace. Something I am afraid I am not ready for....I am so scared that I certain I will just push it away and I will do that from now on. Letting no one in and building a wall up so high it is impossible to climb for ANYONE. I am jaded, and at 24...that is not a fun thing to be.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Crush of the Week: Darren Criss

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For most of America I am sure you know this amazing ray of sexyness from Glee, but for the other 3.8% of dumbfuck America who have not been keeping tabs on the awesomeness that is Glee...let me introduce you to Mr. Darren Criss. Criss made his debut this past Tuesday as a new "love" interest for Kurt on Glee, and while we are not to sure if he will be around for a few episodes, we are glad he has made footprint in our minds. He is my crush of the week because lets face it the guy can sing, and not just on Glee, but in all his music, which you can find on iTunes and myspace. The boy is amazingly sexy but over all his lips and voice are what make him...well FN GEE-OR-GEOUS! Take a listen to his version of Katy Perry's annoyingly addicting "Teenage Dream" His version is much much better!

Here is the link to his my______ for the 16 people left who still use the site. www.myspace.com/darrencriss


Friday, October 22, 2010

Paranormal Activity 2 Review! *Minor Spoilers*

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First of all, I would like to thank Eventful.com and Paramount for offering a free screening in Houston. I would have seen the movie either way, but I feel like Paramount is one of the few big time movie making companies that took the time to listen to the fans and used the whole "DEMAND IT" marketing from the first one and implement it again. Well done. Now that that is out of the way let's review the film shall we?

Paranormal Activity 2 is by far one of the scariest films ever made. I would proclaim it (standing next to the first film obviously) the best horror film made this decade. Now while I have been to plenty of horror films, I have never been to a movie that scared me as much as this one did. (as well as the first)

Paranormal Activity 2 does in deed take place before the events of the first film and ends the day after the first film. I thought that was a clever way to tie the two films together. Making Paranormal Activity a small part of a story, and Paranormal Activity 2 an overall explanation of the WHOLE story. Think of it as a prequel/sequel if you will, even if technically the sequel part is only about the last ten minutes of the movie. The film takes place a couple of months before the first film, introducing Kristi (the sister of Katie from the first film) and her husband, her step-daughter, Abbey the dog and Hunter, the couples new born baby boy. The films starts of slow, but in a good way. We want to know who these people are, and we want to connect with them. (I'll admit, I went into the movie kinda figuring what was gonna happen, but with an open mind.) The film uses the same elements from the first one, but uses them more to their advantage. After introductions, which are filmed with a camcorder by the sixteen year old step-daughter as a kind of "Welcome to the world Hunter" home movie, and quickly turn into "Let me get this crazy shit happening on film" home movie, Katie (PA1) comes over to visit and shortly after she leaves Kristi's house had been vandalized. Every room in the house damaged and ransacked, every room that is but baby Hunter's who is now about a year old. Also note, that nothing is stolen from that house except a bracelet that was given to Kristi from her sister Katie.

As a security precaution the husband, trying to be the alpha-male that he is, installs six security cameras throughout the house. The front walk=way, the pool, the living room, the kitchen, The front entry way the shows the front door and stairway, and the Hunter's room. The footage from these cameras mixed with the footage from the handheld HD camera are what make up the film. While there are a few questions to be answered (they are not difficult ones to answer for yourself) the film does it purpose and scares the hell out of the viewer using the fact that you can't see the demon. Doors move by themselves, shadows move over people, and in two scenes people either float or are dragged by unseen forces. I was very impressed with this film and if you like getting the crapped scared out of yourself, make it a point to go. The film has SEVERAL jump scenes and like I said before totally makes use of the everything the first one did and heightened it in every way, and the ending wasn't half bad at all! Make sure you don't go and see it alone. And just like the first one, when you hear heavy base and footsteps you know shit is about to go down! You have been warned. :)

Visit www.Paranormalmovie.com to check out the trailer!

**** out of ****

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

HOMOSEXUAL HYPOCRISY

Yes, before I start this is my angry blog. BTW I removed my last posting after several of my readers brought the content to my attention. Let it be known that my blog, for the most part, is for comedic and entertainment purposes. Most of the time I take not only my personal experiences, but other people's personal experiences and mold them together to create a TRUE, but entertaining story or event. It doesn't always express how I feel personally as a gay man. Although if I blog 90% of the way I feel is reflected or from this point forward it will be. And now for the:

IM SO ANGRY I COULD PUNCH YOUR PUPPY IN THE FACE AND ACT LIKE A BIGGER DICK AND GET AWAY WITH IT BLOG: (Did ya like that? Yeah I thought you would...maybe not.)

I was reading this story (which is old news) about a high school for gay people. This article got me thinking about gay men and how most of them still ACT as though they are in high school. Then on top of that thought...I pondered about the GAY HIGH SCHOOL story some more. Most of the gay guys I am encountering whether they be Eighteen or thirty-five, belong in high school. I say this because most of them still have not developed the social skills needed to be a functioning member or american society. You need more words in your vocabulary then just the following:

*penis
*cock
*dick
*butt
*rim
*top
*bottom
*cherry-vodka sour
*britney
*grindr
*girl

These are just a few examples. While yes, these words are apart of my vocabulary, my words, and thoughts extend beyond just these. I wish gay men would actually give themselves a little more credit and actually try a little. Maybe? Get to know someone and by "get to know" I don't mean see how far his dick can go down your throat. What happened to good old conversation about politics, or fashion, or someone's favorite book or t.v show? Why does it always center around nudity, sex, or rim jobs? We complain as a community about being segregated, shut out my society, yet you have gay guys in the community doing the very same thing! Cliques and bitchy queens who say one thing, and yet mean another. No wonder most of us have a bad rap, and are portrayed in the media as pink wearin' two-sided, bed hoppin' fags...its because 80% of us all act that way...10% of us try to hide it and do it when no one is around, and the last 10% are the few and the proud who love being gay but can't stand the men who tend to represent the other 90%. It is a shame that some of us gay men are the way we are, but this is why my angry blog warning was needed. My question is and always will stand until I am shown otherwise and please comment.

"WHY IS IT THAT HOMOSEXUALS WANT THE OTHER TEAM TO BE OPEN MINDED AND UNDERSTAND OUR NEEDS, BUT REFUSE TO DO THE SAME THING ON OURS?"

Friday, June 25, 2010

A song that makes you think of a lost love?

I usually try to stay away from posting lyrics and such on this blog, BUT I over heard this song and quickly googled the lyrics. The words matched everything I had been feeling about my ex Ryan. I miss his everyday. I am not sure if he even cares but if he did...I dedicate this song to him. To you Ryan.

Why'd I have to go and be a fool again

Why'd I have to go and make a big thing out of nothing
I didn't know what I had 'til you were gone
It was right in front of me all along
And now those days of "same old story"
Are feeling more like faded glory


Had it all, I threw it all aside

Thinkin' there was more out there I needed to find
I had it all baby
'Til you went away
Blue skies, sunshine, and butterflies
Those were the conditions that I left behind
Why did I let it go to waste
I had it all

Where are all the fireworks I thought I'd see
I still haven't found the magic I was lookin' for that made me leave, no no
I traded in my comfort zone
For empty nights of bein' alone

I had it all, I threw it all aside
Thinkin' there was more out there I needed to find
I had it all baby
'Til you went away
Blue skies, sunshine, and butterflies
Those were the conditions that I left behind
Why did I let it go to waste
I had it all


Why did I believe that little voice that led me down the path to this bad choice

Why don't I listen to the angels when they sing
I had it all, I threw it all aside
Thinkin' there was more out there I needed to find
I had it all baby
'Til you went away
Blue skies, sunshine, and butterflies
Those were the conditions that I left behind
Why did I let it go to waste
I had it all

Gay is the thing you know.

Come on people, it is 2010. If you yourself are not gay, then you are sure to know someone who is gay. Gay people are everywhere. Weather or not you want admit it we are there helping you when you don't need it or turning our backs when you do. That is why I started this blog. Not to only showcase the life of one of many gay men, but a unique one. Yeah yeah so many gay men out there will tell you that they are unique in their own way and yes everyone has something they can each bring to the table, but at the end of the day you have to think to yourself, "Was I myself today?" If you can't answer the question honestly then you my friend are not unique.

In a community shunned so frequently by society it is only natural for all of us to be be like fourteen year old rebellious teenagers and stick it to the man. But as we say in the south..."Do it as a southern belle would!" With grace and class, and not KLASS, but class and style. It is easy to fall into what society and the people around you want you to be, but at the end of the day be true to you. Something I wish our community would embraces besides love is tolerance within our own kind. I find so many gay men hating and disrespecting each other and I think "Really?" I pause and take a breath and wonder why. We are acting like the same people who judge us and we are better than that. With that said...be classy...have fun....be safe and above all be you. Be good or be good at it.

Love,
XHunterboyX