| I want a guy who brushes the side of my face then gives me a kiss, holds my hand wherever we are to make everyone jealous Someone who would sing to me at random moments. Someone who would let me sleep on their chest. A boy who would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me. I want someone to call me 3 times a day if he went away. Someone who would let me gossip if I wanted and would just smile, agree and giggle with the news. He would throw pillows and stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then kiss.me.a.million.ti Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh. He would take me out anywhere, put his hands on my hips and give me big bear hugs all the time. He would tell his friends about me and smile as he did it. :) We would make out in the pouring rain, he’d never be afraid to say ‘I Love You’ in front of his friends and family. We’d argue about silly things then make up. I want a boy who would kiss me at midnight on New Years then count stars with me. Someone who would stay home with me on a Friday night to make dinner & watch movies while cuddling under the same blanket. A person to tell me I’m handsome, but not too often. Who would make me laugh like no one else could. But mostly I want someone to be my bestfriend and would never break my heart. | |
Friday, May 28, 2010
A wish.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Just to clear the air.
Everyday waking up is like a struggle. Thoughts of lose, defeat, hurt, and much more cross my mind. Over time you just stop trying. Trying to reach the goals you are so demanded to achieve. With my mind going 100000 miles a minute, I find myself constantly being backed into a corner. Where did I go wrong? What wrong turn did I take? I find myself wanting to go back to a life were guys could not find their way in. I feel guilty for allowing love to find its way in.
I found Ryan. A man different then any other man I had met. Kind, strong, caring, and more than anything beautiful. It was not lust. He was different. A man who made me feel it was safe enough to let the wall down. I recently was emailed several bits of information that to this very second I don't know how to process. People can be cruel, mean, and heartless, but most are that way because they themselves are lost or blinded by what others want them to see. These emails have been the most cruel thing I have witnessed to this day. As I tried my hardest to ignore them and pass them off as gossip, I couldn't help but feel heartbroken once again. The content of the emails perplexed me and put me slowly into a state of shock.
On a side note...I did not fake my death. While at one point the thought continued to cross my mind, and yes a did post on twitter that I was leaving....I ended up finding a place to clear my mind and leave things in the past. After all the things I had done for Ryan after all the changes I made to show a man I loved him and I was sorry...I was shot down...so I felt defeated and yes I did want to kill myself and came almost close to accomplishing the task, but was simply to afraid of executing myself. I never, I repeated, never did it for attention, or for the sake of seeing who would listen.
As I came back to my life after trying to clear my mind, I found my life completely damaged. My reputation damaged. I called close friends, and my family came to my aid to assist me in fighting this epic battle I was so quickly losing.
After going to therapy, and getting the help my mind so clearly needed, I began to think about what had happened. No one would talk to me, and the few that do understand me and have known me for seven, eight, nine years. They know the real me and have taken my side to help me. But something continues to make the battle for me far more complicated then it should.
I continued to read the emails, and read them over and over again. Ryan had cheated on me? The emails had claimed that Ryan was not as faithful as he claimed to be, and went so far as even being specific during a time period that all of these indiscretions occurred. While I was guilty of cheating myself I had come clean with the fact that it had only happened once, and the other time I was lied to into thinking I was single. I take full responsibility for my actions, but what continues to puzzle me is the truth about Ryan's indiscretions. Ryan and I never used protection, so I started to fear that if Ryan didn't use protection with me and he was cheating on me then there was a chance he was not using protection with these other men either. These claims say Ryan: Cheated on me during spring break, and several times during our relationship while he and I were living together. It also states I was dumped for being worthless, and the reason I was always on the receiving end of our sex and love making was because Ryan thought I had STD's. I kept thinking he would change his mind, but he was receiving sex from other guys that were not me.
I quote the email as saying.
"You were dumped for being worthless... maybe you should have killed yourself instead off playing games. and for the record, he only bottomed for me, he promised nobody else could be inside him except me. guess you weren't as special as you thought you were... and he thinks you have diseases any way. why go for trailer park when you can experience highland park."
And an additional email.
"Hunter, I never loved you and cheated on you just about everyday day during our relationship. I never wanted to bottom for you because you yourself were a horrible bottom. I never wanted to use protection. I bottomed for several other men during our time together because I thought you were infested with hiv. Even after I finally got you our of my apartment I have had so much sex after you leaving and my life has been so much better without you in it. Some got it right the first time Hunter, you're fu*kable ( not very good at it at all) but not datable. -R- "
I don't use this as a way of slandering or libeling anyone's name. I simply ask for the truth in a situation as serious as this. I am NOT crazy, nor am I a liar. I believe my mistake was not only hurting Ryan, but also changing myself for a man who never loved me to begin with? Not a man, but a boy. A boy who hides behind people so that they may speak for him because he obviously can not do it himself. Ryan's ex Erik was correct I am sure about Ryan we he said that Ryan is immature and can never think for himself, and does everything that other people tell him to do rather than what is the right thing to do. Erik told me that while Ryan didn't cheat on him, he was secretive and often responded to craigslist ads...and after everything was said and done Erik could not trust Ryan. I still to this very minute am so very clueless as to the truth.
I sent Ryan love letters, flowers, and apology after apology. I knew or thought in my mind and heart Ryan was the one for me, and was willing to fight for to try to make him see while I made a mistake...he was worth my love and I had hoped I was worth his.
I feel like a fool. Like an idiot for falling in love with a man who lied to me every time he said he loved me. Who was going behind my back and fucking other men while I sat in his apartment making dinner or waiting for him to come home. Yes, I cheated but like I said I was a man for telling Ryan the truth and not lying to him and asking for forgiveness and another chance to make him happy. While I may never know the truth because Ryan will not speak to me and refuses to do so...I still do love him and even if this is true or not...I forgive him with all of my heart. People can say what they want about me, but at the end of the day I care what Ryan thinks. I grew and am still growing from all of this...but once again...I DIDN'T FAKE MY DEATH. I came close to killing myself and unless you have truly been that low and to that point..you will never know how alone someone is. I wanted to die because everyone around me kept telling me to do so and I wanted to die because I changed for a man who after doing all I tried to do to earn another chance...turned his back...and tried to make himself look like the victim...When in all reality...He cheated on me and lied to me...way before I did it to him. So why am I the one crying all over again? Why was I made to feel the guiltiest I have ever felt about my mistakes when Ryan's mistakes were just as hurtful and he couldn't be a man and admit his dishonesty to me?
I found Ryan. A man different then any other man I had met. Kind, strong, caring, and more than anything beautiful. It was not lust. He was different. A man who made me feel it was safe enough to let the wall down. I recently was emailed several bits of information that to this very second I don't know how to process. People can be cruel, mean, and heartless, but most are that way because they themselves are lost or blinded by what others want them to see. These emails have been the most cruel thing I have witnessed to this day. As I tried my hardest to ignore them and pass them off as gossip, I couldn't help but feel heartbroken once again. The content of the emails perplexed me and put me slowly into a state of shock.
On a side note...I did not fake my death. While at one point the thought continued to cross my mind, and yes a did post on twitter that I was leaving....I ended up finding a place to clear my mind and leave things in the past. After all the things I had done for Ryan after all the changes I made to show a man I loved him and I was sorry...I was shot down...so I felt defeated and yes I did want to kill myself and came almost close to accomplishing the task, but was simply to afraid of executing myself. I never, I repeated, never did it for attention, or for the sake of seeing who would listen.
As I came back to my life after trying to clear my mind, I found my life completely damaged. My reputation damaged. I called close friends, and my family came to my aid to assist me in fighting this epic battle I was so quickly losing.
After going to therapy, and getting the help my mind so clearly needed, I began to think about what had happened. No one would talk to me, and the few that do understand me and have known me for seven, eight, nine years. They know the real me and have taken my side to help me. But something continues to make the battle for me far more complicated then it should.
I continued to read the emails, and read them over and over again. Ryan had cheated on me? The emails had claimed that Ryan was not as faithful as he claimed to be, and went so far as even being specific during a time period that all of these indiscretions occurred. While I was guilty of cheating myself I had come clean with the fact that it had only happened once, and the other time I was lied to into thinking I was single. I take full responsibility for my actions, but what continues to puzzle me is the truth about Ryan's indiscretions. Ryan and I never used protection, so I started to fear that if Ryan didn't use protection with me and he was cheating on me then there was a chance he was not using protection with these other men either. These claims say Ryan: Cheated on me during spring break, and several times during our relationship while he and I were living together. It also states I was dumped for being worthless, and the reason I was always on the receiving end of our sex and love making was because Ryan thought I had STD's. I kept thinking he would change his mind, but he was receiving sex from other guys that were not me.
I quote the email as saying.
"You were dumped for being worthless... maybe you should have killed yourself instead off playing games. and for the record, he only bottomed for me, he promised nobody else could be inside him except me. guess you weren't as special as you thought you were... and he thinks you have diseases any way. why go for trailer park when you can experience highland park."
And an additional email.
"Hunter, I never loved you and cheated on you just about everyday day during our relationship. I never wanted to bottom for you because you yourself were a horrible bottom. I never wanted to use protection. I bottomed for several other men during our time together because I thought you were infested with hiv. Even after I finally got you our of my apartment I have had so much sex after you leaving and my life has been so much better without you in it. Some got it right the first time Hunter, you're fu*kable ( not very good at it at all) but not datable. -R- "
I don't use this as a way of slandering or libeling anyone's name. I simply ask for the truth in a situation as serious as this. I am NOT crazy, nor am I a liar. I believe my mistake was not only hurting Ryan, but also changing myself for a man who never loved me to begin with? Not a man, but a boy. A boy who hides behind people so that they may speak for him because he obviously can not do it himself. Ryan's ex Erik was correct I am sure about Ryan we he said that Ryan is immature and can never think for himself, and does everything that other people tell him to do rather than what is the right thing to do. Erik told me that while Ryan didn't cheat on him, he was secretive and often responded to craigslist ads...and after everything was said and done Erik could not trust Ryan. I still to this very minute am so very clueless as to the truth.
I sent Ryan love letters, flowers, and apology after apology. I knew or thought in my mind and heart Ryan was the one for me, and was willing to fight for to try to make him see while I made a mistake...he was worth my love and I had hoped I was worth his.
I feel like a fool. Like an idiot for falling in love with a man who lied to me every time he said he loved me. Who was going behind my back and fucking other men while I sat in his apartment making dinner or waiting for him to come home. Yes, I cheated but like I said I was a man for telling Ryan the truth and not lying to him and asking for forgiveness and another chance to make him happy. While I may never know the truth because Ryan will not speak to me and refuses to do so...I still do love him and even if this is true or not...I forgive him with all of my heart. People can say what they want about me, but at the end of the day I care what Ryan thinks. I grew and am still growing from all of this...but once again...I DIDN'T FAKE MY DEATH. I came close to killing myself and unless you have truly been that low and to that point..you will never know how alone someone is. I wanted to die because everyone around me kept telling me to do so and I wanted to die because I changed for a man who after doing all I tried to do to earn another chance...turned his back...and tried to make himself look like the victim...When in all reality...He cheated on me and lied to me...way before I did it to him. So why am I the one crying all over again? Why was I made to feel the guiltiest I have ever felt about my mistakes when Ryan's mistakes were just as hurtful and he couldn't be a man and admit his dishonesty to me?
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